What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay
What else should I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies
It has been a year since I started working. Like all concerns I decided to evaluate this year. Were there gains or losses? Do I get relief the way businesses get from Income Tax?! Can I carry forward my losses? Am I prospering enough to bear the burden of my losses?
It has been a tough year. No, I haven’t faced many discomforts. Compared to those of the unfortunate, my misfortunes have been negligible. People have lost lives, jobs, families. . . What have I lost?
My boss keeps telling me to look at the wider perspective of things, like he told me this morning to stick to my guns and never waver from my principles, that I have the mettle to become a successful Chartered and I shouldn’t compromise on anything. So what if I earn peanuts for all the hours that I slog at work?! I am gonna mint money at the end of the course!
But is that really what I want? Is that what this is all about? Am I here for the money? My family doesn’t depend on my income. I could quit now and that would still be OK. The ultimate aim was never the Big Four for a smokin’ hot package. I love my job and that is why I am here. One day, I want my own practice not cause I want to boss around but because I believe I can make a difference. Or has it all changed?
After auditing over 10 companies in this span of a year, I have seen government offices, corporate hierarchy, Human Resources Management, Restaurant Management, Medical equipment dealership, NDT (non-destructive testing) service companies, consultancies, AMC services, electrical fittings manufacturers, film-makers, chemical factories, consulting, shipping manpower recruitment, hardcore Marketing and plenty of smooth-talk! About time I expressed my gratitude.
Tony, thank you! You are a ‘wonderful’ teacher. All that knowledge and humility together. . . What magnanimity! Love you loads. . . I hope we meet again someday.
Shirish, you have been an awesome father to me. Loving and strict as the situation demanded you to be. You initiated my urge for self discovery. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have realized it. Thank you!
Jyoti, you made me feel at home on my first audit! Oh God, I miss you! All my love to you and your little bundle of joy. I heard it’s a girl. I am truly happy for you.
All you guys at Oriental Insurance, muaaah ! I love you all. Vrinda, I didn’t miss mom when you were around. Smitha, you have been a great friend. Pagare Madam, I miss your ever-happy-ready-to-chitchat face. You are a sweetheart, always mothering me. Mota saab, the news updates you brought on your visits were the best de-stressors ever! Rameshwar Sir, you are this really awesome person – an embodiment of absolute humility. Shallam madam, you are such a sweet little thing. I miss hearing your ah-so-die-for accent!
There are a LOT of names. I haven’t forgotten anyone. You are all special in your own unique way. You are an extended family to me and I wish you all the happiness in life.
I have gained a lot, na? So many friends, all that input of knowledge and maturity even! But at what cost? In making these new relations have I compromised on the ones that already existed?!
Dad, I am sorry. I love you and miss you like crazy. I know you call me a PG jokingly but somewhere inside I know it hurts you. I miss discussing life over coffee with you. I miss not being able to share my life with you the way I used to. But that doesn’t make me love you any less. You are my idol and I am proud of you Dad. . . I’m dying to see your ship !!
Mamma, I miss you like crazy every minute that I am away from you. I wish we could spend quality time together. I hate being irritable when I come home after a long day at work. You are such a sweetheart. You let me take it all out on you. I am sorry for being such a selfish brat. I know you worry about me but its OK. I am tough. I can handle it. Yess, I know I don’t eat properly but I miss ghar-ka-khana. You are the best cook ever and now that I’m home for 3 months, sab wasool karungi . . .
Chi Chi, I know I am not a great sis. We hardly ever meet and yeah, Ninno’s probably closer to you. But you are always on my mind. You are the best li’l sis (okay, not so li’l anymore) EVER !!
Poojee, my baby, my world revolves around you. You are my darling twin, my first child, my princess, my everything. . . I am sorry I can’t hold your hand and “be there” for you the way I used to. You ARE important to me. I love you more!
KK, I am sorry for not being there all this time. I miss hearing your voice especially your laugh. Miss YOU loads. Big sis, love you!!
Shirish, I am sorry. Period. It was a pure misunderstanding. Period. All my love to my kid sis – Asmi.
In the whole process, I have tried hating a lot of people and have succeeded in hating some. In absolute reality, I have ended up hating myself. All this has rendered me incapable of getting emotionally attached or loving someone for that matter. I have stopped trusting people. Yes, the PR part of me is still there. But hell, my job demands that. I’m a cynic on the inside. I have nipped my perceptions in the bud and lost my knack of judgment. I have lost the identity I was once proud of.
Now I don’t know who I am. I am too scared to find out. What if I don’t like who I really am ?! What if I am a really horrible person? What a dreadful thought !
But I can’t avoid myself for too long. Sooner or later, I am gonna have to face it. There’s nobody to hold my hand when it happens. No shoulder for me to cry on cause I lost the one I had. The support-system crashed long back. Its a lone struggle now. I hope I survive. . .
